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it's natural to feel unfaithfuland you're going to be anyway |
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| Mar. 10th, 2005 @ 04:35 pm irritating new journal reminder part 2 | |||
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Current Mood: being obnoxious WHAT
Current Music: interpolllll  __________maurasomeone should probably order me a calzone on their credit card and get it delivered to my house a.s.a.p. yeah. probably | |||
| Mar. 9th, 2005 @ 11:13 am (no subject) | |||
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| okay, SO i made a new journal, and haha its going to be the last livejournal i am ever going to make i swear to GOD.plus this livejournal is hella lame. OHHH SO go add it if you want, and obviously the first entry is 54937598473859732 pictures of everything that has ever happened ever. the end.__________maura | |||
| Mar. 8th, 2005 @ 08:13 am don't worry guys, i have my priorities straight | |||
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| More Uhhh: oh man amber More Uhhh: so More Uhhh: i just looked at tom's myspace page for the first time ever wtfitsamber: haha More Uhhh: and he is actually attractive hahahahah wtfitsamber: ....i know, maura. i know More Uhhh: oh wow. More Uhhh: hahaha More Uhhh: my goal in life is definately to get him to comment on my myspace wtfitsamber: id he did...then you being my hero makes so much more sense More Uhhh: okay haha i added him More Uhhh: he better add me back More Uhhh: hahahahah More Uhhh: and i am going to keep harassing him probably until i get kicked off of myspace wtfitsamber: yeahhe reeally is attractive More Uhhh: hahah with his hair LONG More Uhhh: i already have a pllan More Uhhh: if he adds me More Uhhh: my first comment is going to be a romantic elton john song. wtfitsamber: THANK YOU More Uhhh: hahahah i am so completely serious, i am honestly devising a plan. wtfitsamber: i wish i could get 8,778 comments on a picture More Uhhh: I KNOW how the fuck More Uhhh: i should seriously just browse, and add the whole state of California wtfitsamber: and im so glad he knows all about the scene and like angles and mirror picz wtfitsamber: HAHAHAAHA More Uhhh: until i get a sufficient amount of comments thend elete them all More Uhhh: hump and dump that state wtfitsamber: and it will be funny if like LIz May went back there and met someone who knew you but has never been to Mass More Uhhh: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH More Uhhh: i probably have far too much respect for my own myspace page to do it though More Uhhh: i dont know if i should risk it wtfitsamber: you'd get half way there..get angry with life again and delete everyone More Uhhh: hahahahahah wtfitsamber: and i bet california is a lot sassier and WOULDNT add you back again More Uhhh: hahahahhahahaha More Uhhh: well i just wish that like we could have myspace friend folders so that i would be able to organise my myspace friends properly wtfitsamber: HAHAHA HAHAHAH i like you More Uhhh: i like you too | |||
| Feb. 24th, 2005 @ 09:38 pm (no subject) | |||
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| i really never thought i'd be one to condone oasis covers but there have been 2 with in 6 days that i have not only lacked distaste for, but, really enjoyed. in that giddy way. butterfly inducing. the makeshift curtain has fallen down, i believe it was my arm inspection that did the trick, im not too upset though, because besides the glow and glimmer of this lovely screen singing in tune, the trees outside are dark shadows, whitewashed, and the sky is orangey only because of the street lights, so i don't know. i can pretend with heat....... maybe it isn't really. soon! it's going to be pouring rain, and it's not going to be cold rain, and by then, it'll be okay for me to still love you, and we can hang our feet out the window... for hours.... | |||
| Feb. 18th, 2005 @ 08:32 pm sha sha sha doo. | |||
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Current Music: PIEBALD
so. dan was right. nothing is real. not even a little. GO TEAM. ( AHHHHHHHHHHH. SO MANY PICTURES ) | |||
| Feb. 15th, 2005 @ 09:09 pm well, what then? | |||
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| i got really irritated, i guess, which was disappointing, speedy disappointment, because originally i was interested, and comforted by the dirty pages of the book, most likely juice stains, candlewax, and coffee (of course, how predictable, or necessary, even). the words were working out well in my head, i remembered that time on the boat, firstly, getting mad at myself for not being able to just read something, and not fucking relate to it immediately. just allow others to live their lives, even the anonymous, and just not make it about me. but, obviously, that will never, ever happen. and three pages later i am completely uninterested, and utterly wrapped up in my own memories, and mental novels, the most amazing, they always seem. why should this make me angry? though, it isn't anger, of course i want to bawl my eyes out, im not sad though, i could take the easy way out of the explanation and say "well, i am crazy", but that truly is not the case. vrooom vroooooooom, discontentment, i'll be asleep soon, and another patience ridden night shall be passed. oye. i've never been in his house but of all the things to pass through my head, that is it. all the psychology classes in the world won't make sense of this. i know better, i do, i swear. we all did, and with all of this common sense, in such a small space, you would think we wouldnt have consistently acted so stupid. that even the higher levels would share something inspirational with us to keep us going, on the right track, big pants, striped button down shirt. a mix a mix! but nooooooooo. second chance, take two! *SNAP* oh me, and my feelings, if they could only speak in different languages, oi, hit that dash! do it! page three, the book became impersonal, and seeing as i have never lived my life as a church, literally, i couldnt possibly relate. the book is now hidden in a crate. forever. ! take three! pens are boring, i think, well, only mine are, i guess. it hasn't even been seven days, but it seems like it has been years, and i lay there on the couch, paralyzed, im sure. and he didnt know what to do, but finally he didnt care either, and if i were to remember all the other times that someone didn't know what to do with me, and didnt care. holy fuck. that is all i needed, for someone to just realize for once, that it was quite alright to not know what to do with me, that the world wasnt ending because you couldnt appease me. that i would get over it, and that i secretly have always been at the point where i actually did not care what others could do for me, but what i couldnt do for myself. that is what gets me. so yeah, 23 hours earlier i was hoping to speak to you, i wanted to tell you how "obscene" you were, and how i dont wish to see you until that skirt is ironed, and falls loosely on my hips like it did those days, i dont want to speak to you until rocketland is wooden again, 4 hours later, we were on the phone, and exchanging "i love you's". thank god. or something. thank something. only in times like those, do i believe in fate. or chance. it seems to be the only way i can avoid, and in some ways ignore, the cheapness of it all, and pretend to be hopeful, for a little bit. then it ends. and the moments, that were truly only moments away, in whichever reverse memory direction, they seem quite surreal dispite how close they are. oops, were. in my head, and with all my heart, i wished that he would be the one person who would never limit me, and then, he brought me lined paper. ouch. so we all fail. duh. | |||
| Feb. 3rd, 2005 @ 02:10 pm hahahah last night was the most random night of my life | |||
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| ( oh wow. me, jocelyn, shannon, michelle, ciggy, and brian the cat. ) | |||
| Feb. 1st, 2005 @ 06:05 am (no subject) | |||
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| hahahhahahahahhaha i havent gone to sleep yet, and i was just reading really, really old entries, from like 2001, hahah i am the biggest drama queen in the world. there is one where i am like : "I want to go away forever (and dont think I wanna die over a fucking boy cuz I dont... there is more than one fucking problem... more like 5" HAHAHAHHA and i just started laughing so hard. hahahahahahahahahahah life is amazing. i am the gayest invention ever. im not sure if i am laughing because i was so gay, or because i havent changed at all. or what. oh gooooooood. | |||
| Jan. 24th, 2005 @ 10:36 pm miles.miles.away. | |||
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| so much quieter, and so, so much more in control. stir crazy, of course, but quiet, quiet, quiet insanity, the kind in the scariest cheesiest movies when no one for miles could hear you scream. they are too busy to listen anyway. good! it's weird how things happen the way they do. the other night, i spent all the money my father had given me for gas, and food, on books, and mouthwash. went to tatnuck, they didn't have the book i wanted, went to borders, and the book i wanted was just laying there, out of line with the other books, waiting for me. it was refreshingly perfect. i was mostly happy because i didn't spend my money on 1.mcdonald's, 2.alcohol, 3.gas to drive somewhere i would feel greatly uncomfortable being, or gas to drive to someone that would just end up making me feel shitty. (i suppose this goes for everyone. it's not you, it's me), driving to the cape never really takes a long time for me no matter how many cars i watch get towed out of a lake, it's okay to be in a rush to be lonely. maybe. or just in a rush in general. got "home". i've been lying to my parents for days about having a shovel. i really never was much of a liar before, if anything, i was far too brutally honest for my own breath, but, here i am, can't even tell the truth about a shovel. i took 2 tylenol pm, attempted to read, and slept through the night for the first time, eh, probably since, yeah i don't know, but it was a long time ago, before i knew half the people i know now. ugh. with such sweet sleep comes the attempt to function like a real live person for the remainder of the unbelieveably long day that has been reserved for fake sleep for way too long. fuck. really. fuck. so i folded. danced. drove. weighed myself. wondered. hated. tried to sleep. read. weighed myself. tried to sleep. read. read. read. (aye! thank ye shannon, i BOUGHT the book you recamended, and i love it. and i will more than likely quote it for the rest of my sadness, but i am selfish, and i dont want anyone else to read it, and relate to it. so as of now, it our's, and only our's.) wore socks. went through 2 pairs. embrace this empty laundry bin! i don't want to embrace being miserable. the "why me? why me?" fits don't even comb itself through my hair anymore, and i swear, i am not so much complaining, as i am wondering. i think. well, at least i know i would like to tell myself that, because i am mature now. it has been kept simple, with the "i am crazy", and always apologizing. but i don't really know what else to do. i am too lazy to use ink. too lazy. oooooh no. i need some sort of weather warmth. it's the best excuse so far. but there is still something i am running to. yeah. i don't know. the blizzard type thing sounded more like a little league baseball game to me. i won't miss it though, i don't need to press down to be heard, or clap to be seen, so i guess thats good. 2 and 1/2 days with myself, alone. i had to crawl through a window to get out of my house. i loved it. that wasnt a complaint at all. I trudged through the snow, and brushed the snow away from the front of my door. i then spent another 27 hours in my house. hmm. but today! upset with myself because i ate a spoonful of peanut butter, i stacked 2 t-lite,1trimspa,2 stackers3, 1hydroxycut, 1 xantrax3, effexor, and a few gulps of crystal light to wash it all down. this probably explains why i throw up blood a lot. or maybe it doesnt. and with all this wicked not natural energy, my goodness, i knew today would be so very different. i dressed myself up quite warm, like the idiot eskimo i am, and i trudged (for the second time in 3 days!) through the snow, past my ice boxed car, down the street, yeah i had to trudge, they didnt fucking plow my street, and strutted myself up to rt. 28. the second my hood blows off my head, a bald russian offers me a ride. i take a ride to a random d'angelos. no reason. start to walk back. get picked up my two kids, one, i used to work with. "you smoke?", -"smoke?" (i love you 12 year old girl me, i love you)- "weeeed"- "oh, well, in situations such as these, YES."- inhale. coughing fit ensues. we drive around, the three of us. pulled into random parking lots, and the driver proceeded to speed up and quickly turn his wheel whipping the car around. over, and over again. then we drove to hyannis, despite the horrible road conditions, and he sped up constantly, into the other lanes, passing cars, blah blah blah. i was tingley and good. and scared, which made me feel weird because i definately would have wanted nothing more than to get in a car accident, because i was showered, and that matters. got dropped off. high as a kite. more trudging. took so long. got in my house. passed out. my parents came and saved me because they didnt want me trapped in the house any longer. i am in worcester now. i am a horrible person. my mom made me a sandwich i didn't eat, and my dad brought me a glass orange juice i never asked for. hmmm. | |||
| Jan. 21st, 2005 @ 04:52 am i hope you have sweet dreams | |||
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| the film on the back of the cold steel is definately waiting for our warm summer, it's working out, and preparing to catch us in those moments that are going to happen, in which something we don't want to talk about will radiate from our poses in the best way possible. because, maybe, they'll be the good kind of secrets. it'll be a breeze is all i can hear, and this ideal tint definately wants to hold my hand. no. really. | |||
| Jan. 13th, 2005 @ 05:01 am (no subject) | |||
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| dearest keyboard, you are no pillow to me, you sturdy, sturdy friend, oh you! missing so much that even the inside of that curvy annoying discontent pout my mouth tends to make, can feel it. rolled over, laughed, got excited over what i realized i was laughing about, followed by heartache, because it's not really mine, then i remembered. this whole time i havent cared so much about what i didnt have, but about the fact that i at least wanted it. that. bad. the most knowledgeable will understand this more than you, or my bed. i don't need to be taken care of, just married. my hair is soft enough for marriage this morning, and i dont think i can go to bed without a deal. so shuffle. hurry. | |||
| Jan. 9th, 2005 @ 05:24 am (no subject) | |||
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meh. i dont remember most of the things i've been saying these nights. i dont mean most of them, and i know half of the things i say are just horrible and ridiculous and i only say them so that i feel as though i am the one controlling your distaste for me. (oh, and all the shit i've been doing. words, holy fucking, there is a boatload(yesthatisright, a BOATLOAD of no good scummy actions that have well, acted themselves out from my... self) ugh. i suppose i shall make an attempt to grow up now maybe. (oh, and ps: get pissed off at me because i have barely been talking to anyone for the past month ( havent really been saying much lately anyhow, havent really, really talked (real conversation. truthful, with me not being scared and crazylike, havent really talked to anyone since the middle of october). and it's mainly because i finally had a nervous breakdown at the beginning november (surprise!!!), and i have been recouporating ever since, so now you know. but don't worry. i have been rediagnosed, and it's nothing too original.) (this is all about right, i guess) (and im still a little eh to not be so truthful right now. but, really, i officially have nothing to lose), but meh, come near me now, it is a sure thing that i will push you away. so yeah, you might as well not bother. i currently strive for people to be disapointed in me, and to think less of me by the second. yeah. so. meh. | |||
| Jan. 8th, 2005 @ 05:58 pm ohthirdeyeblind. | |||
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| ( my face is falling apart, but my vanity still stands strong )" | |||
| Jan. 7th, 2005 @ 04:07 am he'd get her a typewriter. | |||
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| and i am waiting for secret indentations and curves to become more of what i thought i was, so memorize me now, because i am on the verge of pretending to let go. seems like these blankets were so sacred at some point but they are everywhere and i want to know what color her. HIS hair is. what the fuck is this? my feet are cold, because they are low, and tingly because i dont know what to do, maybe. i want to walk somewhere, but the only desired destination has never been in walking distance, and that shouldnt matter, because, most things, well, they just dont. in fourth grade, the teacher made us write down every "i can't" we had, and bury them, im pretty curious, and paranoid. silly. i just want to know everything but i know it would absolutely kill me, or wake me the fuck up. i shouldnt be here. it's that dramatic and simple. and i walk around in my underwear, and enjoy how long my legs are, and wish someone would notice. all i really want in life is a comfortable bed, in a shitty studio apartment, all to myself, or love, but more to myself, i think, i could roll around for days with the idea of having such things, and he used to notice everything i did, and i didnt even bother to allow such flattery to contaminate my insides til now, when it doesnt matter, for maybe, my smile has changed, and i know that my hair falls in my face much differently now, it was longer then, much longer, and always wet in the moments he wishes for, reminds me, he would write about the way i woke up, and how it made him feel when my impulses poured affection onto his face, i know i wake differently now, that summer had it's way of completely soothing me, and any comfort that belonged to me whatsoever was just warm and important. really. really. important. but now i am always so ungrateful when i wake up, and always alone, and never tangled up like i used to be, not in the least, then maybe i was crazy, or perhaps just not crazy enough, now i am probably just far too, hmmm, far too not 16?... but really, this is fucking terrifying. stupid snow covered summer money stealers. and a year ago today? and a year from today? see, so it isnt worth it. tomorrow i have an interview at wet seal. i need money to pay off the two speeding tickets i got within 1 hour yesterday. i also have to go register for classes. go team. | |||
| Jan. 2nd, 2005 @ 03:48 am (no subject) | |||
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| oh honey i've gone away... | |||
| Dec. 29th, 2004 @ 02:40 am imsorryifidissedyou | |||
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Current Music: youre the good things, yeah thats you yeah thats you yeah
Well tonight was just a whole bunch of good. Shannon, Jocelyn, and Steph came to pick me up. We went to a show in Douglas. At first I got there and was like "oh wow, all these people are pretty gay." But, meh, We went to go get Meggi because I am obsessed with her, I got tipsy. Back to the show. Danced like crazy (apparently entertained my friends greatly, which warms my heart, yup, warm heart even in a freezing cold garage.) Saw Cailah, and Allie, and Emily, and Tim, and Tiffffffff and more people that I like, had fun, met my soulmate, laughed a lot. I missed shows. I need to go to more. this is true. woo. marry me. | |||
| Dec. 28th, 2004 @ 12:53 am your bruise | |||
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| idontunderstand. earlier i waited outside, freezing, and catching. blah blah everything was yellow orange because street lights paint grounds from here to whereever the cold ends, or maybe just to those roads we need high beems on. ofcouseoveranalyzationmindsetgameheycons | |||
| Dec. 27th, 2004 @ 12:47 am (no subject) | |||
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Current Mood: ooohhh
blahblahmissingstuffblahblahCurrent Music: music that somehow warms even my shoulders all these songs are swerving around my head and tangling my hair... and my insides... in a good way. i too, am at ease with myself for the first time... probably ever. lucky. | |||
| Dec. 19th, 2004 @ 04:39 pm (no subject) | |||
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| so. i have been completely and utterly enlightened as a person. it's amazing. last night was good. shannon, tiff, wizzo, DAN, jocelyn, and emily came over. i like it most when everyone around me is laughing. really laughing. at 2 am, jocelyn and i went to go get dan popcicles, it was so beautiful when we walked out of my house. so wintery in that "hey it's november i am just calling you to let you know i am not tired yet, and december still has homework to do, so, lets chill in that crisp fall locked way." i like talking with jocelyn a lot. a lot, and calling 411 and ordering. everyone left except dan, and i know now why people do preheat the oven, in only underwear, silly teenage girl mind set, when opened, the rush of warmth across your legs you should probably have an issue showing people, at 5 am is the epitome of a stellar idea that makes it okay to want to grow up and be a house wife. or a dancer. oyeeeeeee. dan makes me laugh until i scream. thank goodness for most of this. and on WEDNESDAY, Dan, Heather, and I are having a dinner dance party in Cape Cod. Come if you want. Be attractive and wear a promdressandorsuit. | |||
| Dec. 13th, 2004 @ 01:22 am sell yourself on blue diamonds. | |||
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| i have a lot of make up on right now, any reason? no. didn't even leave the house today, my face will probably begin to burn soon. "you like clowns" i've become so stupid and stuck lately. tis crazy, but i only say crazy because i have lost all other adjectives. no. im not listening to aerosmith. wait. hmmmmm. i havent drank, or taken any pills. gained all the weight i lost. built a hella fence around my whole existence, sassed about 23354353 people to hell. simmered downnnnnnnnn nah. ooh. i want to be warm though. i know that much. tag tag! you're pretending! ( whoresville? what city ) | |||
| Dec. 12th, 2004 @ 03:34 am (no subject) | |||
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| little miss car crash core over here. oye. oh ice storms, and giant tree limbs. i've been in worcester since sunday. blah blah miss work, and my cape cod bed, and my messy car. it was so sad the other day when i had to go get stuff out of it, there was glass everywhere and peanut butter m&ms, hah i just picked up each m&m and ate it as i looked for stuff. mmm. oye. bjork is stellar. this is true. i am sort of tired but not at all, and by that i mean, i want to go on an adventure hella bad. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i've slept a lot in the past few days, and layed in bed, and thought of reasons not to be sad. that was pretty illmatic. i can't wait til june. or next week rather when mi love comes home. heather and i are going to have a dinner party in south yarmouth, come come. well. come if i like you. last week i hung out with michelle for a while. it was nice just listening to her. ramble ramble. i think i am only updating because my last entry is wack preaching. oye. i sort of want to slow dance right now. but with myself. HOLY GOD, THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING ISN'T A BOY? SHIT. WOW. tonight i went to the java hut with amber. i am inlove with her. no. really. we are like the most amazing friend makers ever. probably. we went to visit libby and that was amazing. i had missed her. mmmm, i sat on amber's lap. yup. i am such a creep. pretty music. oooooh. | |||
| Dec. 7th, 2004 @ 04:56 am then! | |||
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| this is all so fucking terrifying, because i guess at 4 + something something in the morning you actually realize how different you might just be, and that is lonely. so. we should probably realize first how pathetic it is that i am sitting here at my computer bawling my eyes out over the most nothingness that one could even imagine. but at least i am actually crying, and thats real. there was probably only one time over the summer that i cried when i was completely sober. i colapsed in my bed. and cried for maybe 40 seconds, got back up, and drove to the house of a boy who meant nothing to me, and we kissed, and layed together like it felt nice. but it didnt. but right now, as horrible as everything else feels, the warm streaming down my face just feels so much better than anything else. ajhdjkahjkahsdjkas so. i should probably stop pretending i guess. probably. but then again, who didnt expect me to fuck all this up? right? yeah. and it's okay because i laugh about it with you though it's actually fucking killing me inside. 10 seconds of motivation. three more years of failing and disapointing people i care about, and myself. and you can sit there, and tell me how beautiful i am despite the mess of a life i lead (though i cant even fucking say i lead this life because all i ever actually do is cling onto moments that have either passed, or left me utterly dissatisfied, with another failed attempt to please someone else on the list. and it's always been like this) and when was the last time someone actually knew what i really thought? my drunk outbursts are meaningless i swear to god, regret on repeat, i don't fucking care how you take this because what you need to know is that i hate drinking. this drives me insane. i think it is fucking disgusting and pathetic that given the opportunity to just fucking be is off the list. i mean, yeah, i wish i was a 12 year old again, and yeah, alcohol pretty much makes me act like a fucking 12 year old, if not younger and dumber, but i also wish i could just go back to a fucking year ago when i meant everything i said, when i felt uneasy over this idea, when i was scared of disapointing Dan, not used to it. oh and dan, yeah, so how about my sick obsession with that kid? what the fuck is all this? every winter even smells the same, and how the fuck can someone so unintentionally hurt someone else THIS MUCH? and i thought i had a good summer, and an okay fall. i probably had mistaken last spring for beautiful, but now. could maybe the only time i am not too tired to feel this? it's the everyday sort of thing. wake up. lay in bed. miss work. miss school. miss someone who doesnt care about you. talk to people not because you care to, but because it's an old habit, and those die hard, and you can never seem to bury them deep enough anyhow. oh, and you are always jealous. but today i walked out of my house, and my stairs made that noise (anyone that knows that i am talking about makes my heart soar), and at the time, i didnt even think about the noise, i just thought about that day, 3 years ago, when my hair was blue, and long, and i was wearing a hat that i had worn since the age of 7, and my hair was frizzy, but i didnt realize, or notice, or care, and even if i did notice, i wouldnt have ironed it because i would fear that it would thin, and ruin my hair forever, even if it was just one time, BUT ANYWAY, it was snowing, and i walked to Sams club to pick up pictures, and I listened to Fiona Apple the whole way there, and it was like the video, but not even the right albulm, and if i really wanted to, i could probably look through old entries and find the one that described this day, and i know that it was probably only 5 pm at the time, but in my head, and my idea of it, it just seems like it was 3am, but it's all wrong, and i know i probably came home, and waited for that boy to call me, because i didnt have a cell phone then, so i wasnt always anxious over that stuff, well, not exactly, and this is all not real now though it did happen. but TODAY. today i hung out with ian, and i when i left his house it was snowing, and it was my first snow of the year, because cape cod hasnt shared such things yet, and i havent seen it fall, and it was silly because 3 years ago, i was at his house the during the first snow, and i kissed a boy outside, and my hair was orangy pink and fading, and at the time i thought i was thin, but looking back my face was so much fuller than it is now, and when i smiled it was more goofy, young, and less chipped, strangely unimportant, and not so rare. how these things fucking change. and i want to scream. loud enough for everyone that has ever come in contact with me to hear. so what i was 15 then. and look at me now. at 16 i was healthier than this, and at least then i had some intelligence, and say in what was to happen with me. i spent months fighting, and reminding. and nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww gone gone gone gone gone. and i know all these numbers and ages are fucking irelevant, but for someone reason they really arent at all, and i am so fucking jealous of something that i was so un aware of, but now. now it is killing me. pushing it all a side. that is important you know. and even at the most serious of times my heart that apparently beats one with my thoughts, they are consistantly overwhelmed, and owned by... DUN DUN Dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. yeah. i would say this is because i am immature, but its actually just because i am inlove. with. this math. bah bah. there is so much more too, and it doesnt bother me so much that this will just be passed off as one of my "dramatic moments." because I dont exactly care what people are thinking, i just want a few of these things to pass through for a second in their existence, if it is ever near me again. it's weird being THAT girl. I was always on the outside looking in. my goodness, how foolish i have become. at least i know it isnt me. it's not done. maybe. | |||
| Dec. 7th, 2004 @ 04:15 am (no subject) | |||
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| i just want to scream and cry until you love me. or sleep. and its not even like i lost anything. i never even fucking had it. | |||
| Dec. 6th, 2004 @ 12:35 pm tuff. ghost. | |||
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| whatever. im not screaming. every paranoia i had, she simply just covered with some sort of compliment or love letter. it's what i think i want, but hate. and i dont even know which letter in the alphabet is the most caring, but i am sure she has it saved in an envelope for the worst of my moments. that very last second. and we gasp over the same things, and we always have. so. that makes us perfect. and my impluses now aren't as scary. and the rest were mostly secrets until last night anyway. and when people can hit notes, i love them more, and there are always so many stars during the best of moments. floors make it easier to laugh. probably. and i know i spend too much time searching for the parts of my body that are maybe new, and untouched, and promising them to you. it's alright to be this worthless, i am sure. oooooh. i don't even care right now. i just want to be married. ( and because i think before i act, i got tats ) | |||
| Dec. 2nd, 2004 @ 06:05 pm burnt! | |||
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| she remembered how i was, so she liked me better at the time, and i guess maybe she was sort of proud, but probably actually just really pissed off about who was at the expense of my new found maturity. then. all this came along. witty, numb. and now....... and now i act like i am two years old all the time. everything is weird, i only hate cape cod when i am half awake. i don't like the cold. i stare at myself all day. i dont understand. thats alright. there is a boy at work that causes me to giggle and fumble over clothes when he walks by. i've missed that. it's weird how content i am with what i cant have, and how i dont want to care about not having anyone else because i only care that i can't have you, and i know that in time, i'll probably care about someone else this way, and there are people who are attainable, and worth such care, but i just want you. oh, and the boy from work. i dont really want anyone. thats the best part. most of this is pretty........... overrated. and my foot is asleep. dr. | |||
| Nov. 25th, 2004 @ 08:41 pm i dont want to go to christmas | |||
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| sail into screaming, i secretly (though it doesnt have to be) wish it was about me, like it would have been, but thats okay. so last night was horrible. and i froze to death, then drove home trying to understand everything that has gone on.... ever maybe. and i wanted to fucking understand, WHY, out of all the things that have happened, why the most silly unimportant thing... in the world, is the one that hurts the most. why, out of all the stuff, the consequences, and opinions of what went on, and is going to going on, why, that is what i am thinking about. oye, should've happened a while ago. so, i should apologize to everyone who i called last night, but i am honestly afraid it will happen again, so although i am very much sorry, im not going to say it, because for some reason, this really does matter, so much. thank you shannon, and tiff. and the boy who apologized. so. hmmmmmmm. im still crazy. but thats okay, because i had an epiphany, revelation of some sorts after watching the movie Mean Girls. and I am really taking it seriously. lonely... yes? weirded out, and heartbroken... yes? regretful.... askfhdsjkfhdsfjkhsdjk yesmaybe.... give it time....? and all those other things. oye oye... i'll have something amazing soon. redemption... maybe. mmhmm. | |||
| Nov. 24th, 2004 @ 03:26 pm (no subject) | |||
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| everyone evercome to me. nowwwwwwwwww. | |||
| Nov. 23rd, 2004 @ 11:17 am (no subject) | |||
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| yesterday the gas station guy was all "i like your makeup. where do you work? have you ever been to a brazillian party?". it was funny. and then the mcdonalds drive thru guy wanted to hold hands with me. oye oye. ( ~~~**shannon**~~ ) | |||
| Nov. 22nd, 2004 @ 07:30 pm and apparently the way someone tilts their head matters when they say certain words. | |||
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| but you know i could dress the same. but it would still be different. although this has taken place in two different locations, the sight i'd seen from that angle looked exactly the same, and i got up to look at myself, because thats what i do, and there was blood smeared up my face, and blue leaking from my eyes. a lighter blue than before, and 3? 4 years? it's still the same, now im stronger, i don't even have to be quiet. it's more important now, maybe. perhaps this is the way it's supposed to be. i was wearing that sweater that night that boy explained its purpose, and probably, in that moment, i needed it explained, but not usually. and it was one of the last nights you were... actually, i don't have the slightest clue of how to explain what you were, i had thought of you in so many different ways, and listened to what people had said about you, though it never sunk in, so what you really are is just a bunch of verbal thread, and right now, there really isn't any reason to unravel you or the past, now is there? (well, of course there is. but you might not be worth it, and i only say might because you are a great pretender. so im not sure. a few weeks ago, i was very much flattered. me with all my potential that you notice, and i truly meant it when i told him that i could not let this sunset pass with out seeing him, and he is someone that i know, for a fact, that i love. but it's never hurt. no. it has, but when i was talking to him that day, it really felt like it had never hurt before. he is really smart. he writes me, and tells me i am smart, and talented, and beautiful. and all these things, and his imagination drives me crazy, because i've seen him describe some things so well. but i can't for the life of me remember any of the things we talked about those days. but i know it was good. i know that. i should probably write thank you cards to everyone that has ever come near me. i compare my time with others. "she is 20 and i am only 18, but she is inlove at 20, so i've still got time." i do this with love, weight, sucess, healing, and.... uhm..... and if i were to ask someone to take it all back, wouldnt i be the one receiving everything that i currently wish to be giving away? me, or a past me? aajhfjdhfhkjdhsfsdfsjdhfkjhscapecodsleep but still at this weight, i still spell the same things incorrect. last weekend was swell. | |||
| Nov. 18th, 2004 @ 07:20 pm (no subject) | |||
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| this morning i woke up to a blow up orange juice, a trip to mcdonalds, and my lovely wife. thank you izzy <3 | |||
| Nov. 15th, 2004 @ 01:52 pm i love dan schap | |||
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| AlmostDelightful: bandages are my legs on my arms for you More Uhhh: hahahahahaha More Uhhh: i miss laying on my couch is singing in front of my dad AlmostDelightful: i miss laughing at katie until we screamed in her face More Uhhh: HAHAHAHHA AlmostDelightful: and then your dad would get suspicious More Uhhh: hahahaha about soup More Uhhh: and our happiness AlmostDelightful: and girls you love More Uhhh: because he knew me being happy was weird More Uhhh: hahaha More Uhhh: and sully eating a dead turtle More Uhhh: WHAT DID YOU DO TO SULLY More Uhhh: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM AlmostDelightful: as he shakes us More Uhhh: hahahahah More Uhhh: When I first saw you, I knew something was different about you. I wanted to talk to you for the longest time, but I did not have the courage to actually talk to you. I thank God every day that He brought you into my life. More Uhhh: i got that message on myspace AlmostDelightful: FROM WHO More Uhhh: some random creepy egyption AlmostDelightful: but the worst part is, this is what LOTS of people think about you. maybe without the God thing. More Uhhh: Hahahahahahah no one is thinking that More Uhhh: OMG!! YOU ARE THINKING THAT More Uhhh: whats wrong Dan?!?! you can tell me anything! More Uhhh: AlmostDelightful: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha AlmostDelightful: if this were 8th grade i would put that in my profile More Uhhh: hahahahhahahahahahhaha if we were together right now, i would probably say outloud that i would put that in my aol profile, and then run home and try to remember it word for word More Uhhh: if it was 9th grade, i would Lj- it up. More Uhhh: if we werent gay More Uhhh: i dont know what i would do AlmostDelightful: seriously AlmostDelightful: probably bring a boy to prom Jsdufksdhgshgskjhjkgshdkj today is my first day working at Macy's. OH WOAH. | |||
| Nov. 13th, 2004 @ 01:10 pm love for the first time. | |||
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| WTF its amber: oh my god... More Uhhh: YES WTF its amber: i was in th ecar on my way back from class and this commercial comes on....a christmas one...and this radio station gave the little girl GODSMACK for christmas....and i was like "oh man, all my dreams.." More Uhhh: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA WTF its amber: why are we not at mcdonalds right now? More Uhhh: I DONT KNOW!!! WTF its amber: ugh im so hungry More Uhhh: for me More Uhhh: i know WTF its amber: seriously....with you, i find food More Uhhh: wow. my heart seriously just like... grew three sizes WTF its amber: <3 | |||
| Nov. 13th, 2004 @ 12:08 pm mefgkhgkjhs | |||
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| everyone else got snow and i got rain. not even cold rain. and i love rain, dont get me wrong, but it doesnt glisten the way snow does, and the excitement of the first snow, i didnt get to have that. and i dont even like snow. oye. this morning at like 2am, i went jogging to the beach, the water wasnt even cold, and it's funny that i jogged because i can barely move my arm without getting winded, but i kept running and such, my whole body was like "what are you doing? go to bed you gay ass." but i didnt want to, so pouring rain, and i, we bonded, and my teeth and tongue felt weird and achy because they arent used to me actually functioning.twas weird, scary, and lovely all at the same time. the beach owns me. then i had to crawl back into my house through a window. yeah, im smart most of the time, maybe. fjdshfjksdhfjhjfhs im so bitter. fucking ick. i want snow. hfjdshfjhskfhsfdsdfkjs wack. wack preaching. last night i watched Ocean's Eleven. that movie makes my heart skip a beat. haha it was so fucking sick how happy i was for them. go team stealing.djfhsjdgfsdgsd i dont know what im talking about right now. someone come to me right now. DO IT. | |||
| Nov. 12th, 2004 @ 05:14 pm (no subject) | |||
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| well, rock bottom seems harder than usual this time. | |||
| Nov. 11th, 2004 @ 01:08 pm yeah. im creepy. so what. | |||
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 im hungry and i miss you. come back and be my boyfriend again. | |||
| Nov. 11th, 2004 @ 03:50 am tippity.type. | |||
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Current Mood:
and the risk of driving on empty, and freezing to death at such hours, sitting in a bathroom that is ownerless, and hating everything bright about it. remember how much i used to hate the light? and your amused apologies made it so much easier. empty couldnt describe the half of it, well, probably, because it isnt even really there. pestimistic! the stairs make a noise, and the leaves are more dead than they were before, it's probably only been a day, but who actually knows? at ease now, but by mid day tomorrow... ughhhhhhhh. and it's always the halves. really. it is. confused"there's no poetry between us" said the paper to the pen. something's burning in the attic, that her tongue will not defend. through the arc of conversation, past the teeth behind the smile, down the miracle mile, to the bottom of the ladder, paint your eyes and hide the tatters. what's the matter baby? could we go downtown to the middle of the world? you were always such a pretty girl, and you told me I was beautiful. "there's no poetry between us", said the paper to the pen, "and I get nothing for my trouble, but the ink beneath my skin". if your clothes are getting weary, and your soul's gone out of style, blame the miracle mile, and the bottom of the ladder, paint your eyes and hide the tatters. what's the matter baby? . . . I'm coming too. | |||
| Nov. 7th, 2004 @ 02:26 pm cement! | |||
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| oh! well hello rock bottom, it's been awhile, OR HAS IT? Gosh, you're tricky. | |||
| Nov. 4th, 2004 @ 03:37 pm (no subject) | |||
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| ( i look like a scary owl addicted to cool-aid ) | |||
| Nov. 3rd, 2004 @ 02:49 pm ouch. | |||
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Current Mood:
I would talk about the election and such but I have bigger concerns, such as, making sure the guy who makes my sandwich at mcdonalds washes his hands. crushedno but really. presidents, and such? not about me. where art thou secret necessity? | |||
| Nov. 2nd, 2004 @ 03:16 pm la di da. | |||
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| ( playgrounds are illmatic ) i definately gained 92 lbs this weekend. WOO. tell me a story. thanks. | |||
| Nov. 1st, 2004 @ 01:19 am and in your place, and empty space. | |||
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Current Mood:
i have never been this creepy over someone ever. in my whole life. ugh. crushedCurrent Music: weezer oye! this weekend was amazing. even tonight, completely sober, i just laughed myself into screaming. i am madly inlove with amber, and jackie. i picked up amber, hit up mcdonalds, picked up jackie, met up with I INVENTED RAID/RAIN/COREY. Cruised around. Ended up at the playground. Jackie gave me an underdog. Swings. are. amazing. realize. this...... now. We all went to the sexual pleasure part of the playground. Yup. Hott. Rolled out. Brought Amber home. Insane asylum for a second, parking lot for an hour. Wanted to watch a movie, met random people who wanted to watch a movie with us, haha ran away while they went inside. Cruised the strip. Java Hut. Duh. Then home. I didnt get to see Brandie, or Melissa :( But I had a lot of fun. Oye Oye. High/Low. and capitol letters. i have to get up tomorrow morning and drive to the cape. it'll probably be beautiful. tired now, can't sleep. know why. hate that fact. people should probably come sleep in my bed with me this week. shannon should probably move back in with me. oyeoye. i dont want to give this weekend away. | |||
| Oct. 31st, 2004 @ 11:06 am add it up. | |||
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Current Mood: amazed.
So this past weekend was fucking amazing. Friday, I picked Jackie and Michelle up, went to the mall, met up Shannon, Tiff, and Jocelyn. Then got Amber, and Michelle, and then friendly's, then we went to Jonathan's so that we could compete for the love of Jessica. and I got to see Wizzo! Then picking up Libby, and Brandie, meeting up with Melissa, Dannielle, and Desiree. Off to some random party even though I got pulled over on the street, but it's okay because the cop knew my sister, I win. Party= lots of alcohol and attention for me. Funniest shit ever. EVER. I am a horrible drunk dialer. Poor everyone I called. HA! But I got to talk to Brian, and Megan Tuggle, and that made me happier, than god knows what. But I met some really nice people, and had conversations with ferocity. Loved it. And I got so many amazing kisses. OYE! We ended up getting home at like 6:30 in the morning. Then Saturday, Jackie, Brandie, Melissa, and I went shopping even though it took me an hour to get us to the mall because I got fucking lost going to the greendale mall. Seriously. Shoot me. We met up with Hannah, and Robbie! And I got an amazingggg coat.Went home took a nap, picked up Amber, went to Jackie's and showered, and fogged up Amber's glasses. Then to Jonathans for a minute, and then Libby's where I got to sing the Little Mermaid, and dance around. It was so fucking funny. Met up with Brandie, Natasha, and John. Then Shannon, Tiff, Emily, Shawn, and Steph came. and Cailah, Hannah and Robbie came. And Jocye! and Jeff! Jaime, and Erica. And more peopleeeeeeeeee. maybe I dont remember. But yeah. that was ill. Amber got drunk with me, and she seriously is my favorite person ever. This girl. The shit and sass that came out of her mouth, and the dancing! Ahhhh! Jocye, Amber, Jackie, Brandie, and I went some random party, and talked to I INVENTED RAIN on the way there (haha I almost typed I INVENTEDRAID) and people were dancing like crazy, and it was fucking hilarious, and I saw people that I hadnt even seen since like the Trance Buddah days, Crazzzzzy. But yeah, hahahah it was amazing. Then left, and got sassed. Then went back and laughed more. Then home. Oye oye!( Oh christ ) | |||
| Oct. 28th, 2004 @ 05:46 pm backwashed thoughts, and you made me talk. | |||
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Current Mood: awwwish?
Slowly, but surely i am adjusting to this. the whole idea of it, calming the anxieties, and everything else, sailing away from, well, you know, uhm... you? and it's strange because i tend to, or used to at least, overflow with something when you came round, and now the circle, track on repeat, seems to have SOMEHOW ended (impossible!), and you, mi love, have been intercepted by some intersection, and have left me pining. oh, but of course! strange, strange, at the risk of sounding so very, very cliche, and idiotic, holy fuckin' dramatic, i would just like to take this time to thank you for tearing my heart down the middle, leaving it less sturdy, and no longer properly placed, allowing the current of my blood stream to rush the pieces to my elbows, equally, i swear. yes, thats right, even my elbows ache for you. pfft.Current Music: no fucking idea ah well, the other day on my way home from an attempt TIMES 2 to better myself, i noticed how amazing it all was. wait, no! i've always noticed, i felt how amazing it all was. to my left was all the wilting trees, colorfully withering away, and in front of me was this blank page of a sky, with this overly huge, dinner plate moon shaded into the background, it was far too early for it to take centerstage anyhow, and i drove, and felt good, and all that in itself should have been enough to calm my discontentment into an early slumber (for the love of god, why can't i just fall asleep?!), or even make the short term sleep a little better..........never! but! the next morning, which would have been yesterday morning, i woke up early for school, showered (holy goodness), hippity hopped into my whip, and felt good, actually good, AGAIN, and Elliott Smith was in my cd player, but it didn't make me sad, or everything beautifully sad, just floatier, feet dangling, almost forever, and realistically heartbroken, but to be that, and to see, and feel all of this, fucking oye, makes it all the more amazing. mittens & leaves +(not second, but EXTENDED chances) askjfhdskhfdshfjsdhfjsdhk. oye.  ( oye! oye! oh picture phone, you are always there for me <3 ) | |||
| Oct. 23rd, 2004 @ 02:41 am no one gets to come in. | |||
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Current Mood: actions aren't moods, mi love.
it's silly, because there is something very much uneasy about all of this, there are only two ideas of what it could be though, ONLY ideas, and somewhere, from head to toe, i believe that if i had headphones right now, this would all be a lot more comfy, for the love of god, just give me something for myself, and only me. oh selfish-ness, oh SHELLFISH-ness.Current Music: counting crows. awwww. this isn't right. i swear. hahaha me without a livejournal, HA! my eyes can't keep up. effin' ink. pfft. i am only a little upset that i forgot to quote september, and october is almost over. sooooooooooo what now? | |||