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Feb. 15th, 2005 @ 09:09 pm well, what then?
i got really irritated, i guess, which was disappointing, speedy disappointment, because originally i was interested, and comforted by the dirty pages of the book, most likely juice stains, candlewax, and coffee (of course, how predictable, or necessary, even). the words were working out well in my head, i remembered that time on the boat, firstly, getting mad at myself for not being able to just read something, and not fucking relate to it immediately. just allow others to live their lives, even the anonymous, and just not make it about me. but, obviously, that will never, ever happen. and three pages later i am completely uninterested, and utterly wrapped up in my own memories, and mental novels, the most amazing, they always seem.

why should this make me angry? though, it isn't anger, of course i want to bawl my eyes out, im not sad though, i could take the easy way out of the explanation and say "well, i am crazy", but that truly is not the case. vrooom vroooooooom, discontentment, i'll be asleep soon, and another patience ridden night shall be passed. oye.

i've never been in his house but of all the things to pass through my head, that is it. all the psychology classes in the world won't make sense of this. i know better, i do, i swear. we all did, and with all of this common sense, in such a small space, you would think we wouldnt have consistently acted so stupid. that even the higher levels would share something inspirational with us to keep us going, on the right track, big pants, striped button down shirt. a mix a mix! but nooooooooo. second chance, take two! *SNAP* oh me, and my feelings, if they could only speak in different languages, oi, hit that dash! do it! page three, the book became impersonal, and seeing as i have never lived my life as a church, literally, i couldnt possibly relate. the book is now hidden in a crate. forever. ! take three! pens are boring, i think, well, only mine are, i guess. it hasn't even been seven days, but it seems like it has been years, and i lay there on the couch, paralyzed, im sure. and he didnt know what to do, but finally he didnt care either, and if i were to remember all the other times that someone didn't know what to do with me, and didnt care. holy fuck. that is all i needed, for someone to just realize for once, that it was quite alright to not know what to do with me, that the world wasnt ending because you couldnt appease me. that i would get over it, and that i secretly have always been at the point where i actually did not care what others could do for me, but what i couldnt do for myself. that is what gets me. so yeah, 23 hours earlier i was hoping to speak to you, i wanted to tell you how "obscene" you were, and how i dont wish to see you until that skirt is ironed, and falls loosely on my hips like it did those days, i dont want to speak to you until rocketland is wooden again, 4 hours later, we were on the phone, and exchanging "i love you's". thank god. or something. thank something.

only in times like those, do i believe in fate. or chance. it seems to be the only way i can avoid, and in some ways ignore, the cheapness of it all, and pretend to be hopeful, for a little bit. then it ends. and the moments, that were truly only moments away, in whichever reverse memory direction, they seem quite surreal dispite how close they are. oops, were.

in my head, and with all my heart, i wished that he would be the one person who would never limit me, and then, he brought me lined paper. ouch.

so we all fail. duh.
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From:infinityxcubed
Date:February 15th, 2005 06:42 pm (UTC)
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your shirt looks like a curtain
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From:lilacsmack
Date:February 15th, 2005 07:12 pm (UTC)
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fuck yeah paper. lines, no thanks. but paper, awwww yeah.
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From:thatshykid
Date:February 16th, 2005 05:05 am (UTC)
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lined paper is a completely reasonable convenience. constraints bring many unnoticed benefits.
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From:twoghosts
Date:February 15th, 2005 10:02 pm (UTC)
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firstly, getting mad at myself for not being able to just read something, and not fucking relate to it immediately.

that's how i am with practically everyting.
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