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Dec. 7th, 2004 @ 04:56 am then!
this is all so fucking terrifying, because i guess at 4 + something something in the morning you actually realize how different you might just be, and that is lonely. so. we should probably realize first how pathetic it is that i am sitting here at my computer bawling my eyes out over the most nothingness that one could even imagine.

but at least i am actually crying, and thats real.

there was probably only one time over the summer that i cried when i was completely sober. i colapsed in my bed. and cried for maybe 40 seconds, got back up, and drove to the house of a boy who meant nothing to me, and we kissed, and layed together like it felt nice. but it didnt.

but right now, as horrible as everything else feels, the warm streaming down my face just feels so much better than anything else. ajhdjkahjkahsdjkas


so. i should probably stop pretending i guess. probably. but then again, who didnt expect me to fuck all this up? right? yeah. and it's okay because i laugh about it with you though it's actually fucking killing me inside.

10 seconds of motivation. three more years of failing and disapointing people i care about, and myself.

and you can sit there, and tell me how beautiful i am despite the mess of a life i lead (though i cant even fucking say i lead this life because all i ever actually do is cling onto moments that have either passed, or left me utterly dissatisfied, with another failed attempt to please someone else on the list. and it's always been like this)

and when was the last time someone actually knew what i really thought? my drunk outbursts are meaningless i swear to god, regret on repeat, i don't fucking care how you take this because what you need to know is that i hate drinking. this drives me insane. i think it is fucking disgusting and pathetic that given the opportunity to just fucking be is off the list. i mean, yeah, i wish i was a 12 year old again, and yeah, alcohol pretty much makes me act like a fucking 12 year old, if not younger and dumber, but i also wish i could just go back to a fucking year ago when i meant everything i said, when i felt uneasy over this idea, when i was scared of disapointing Dan, not used to it.

oh and dan, yeah, so how about my sick obsession with that kid?

what the fuck is all this? every winter even smells the same, and how the fuck can someone so unintentionally hurt someone else THIS MUCH?

and i thought i had a good summer, and an okay fall. i probably had mistaken last spring for beautiful, but now. could maybe the only time i am not too tired to feel this?

it's the everyday sort of thing. wake up. lay in bed. miss work. miss school. miss someone who doesnt care about you. talk to people not because you care to, but because it's an old habit, and those die hard, and you can never seem to bury them deep enough anyhow. oh, and you are always jealous.


but today i walked out of my house, and my stairs made that noise (anyone that knows that i am talking about makes my heart soar), and at the time, i didnt even think about the noise, i just thought about that day, 3 years ago, when my hair was blue, and long, and i was wearing a hat that i had worn since the age of 7, and my hair was frizzy, but i didnt realize, or notice, or care, and even if i did notice, i wouldnt have ironed it because i would fear that it would thin, and ruin my hair forever, even if it was just one time, BUT ANYWAY, it was snowing, and i walked to Sams club to pick up pictures, and I listened to Fiona Apple the whole way there, and it was like the video, but not even the right albulm, and if i really wanted to, i could probably look through old entries and find the one that described this day, and i know that it was probably only 5 pm at the time, but in my head, and my idea of it, it just seems like it was 3am, but it's all wrong, and i know i probably came home, and waited for that boy to call me, because i didnt have a cell phone then, so i wasnt always anxious over that stuff, well, not exactly, and this is all not real now though it did happen. but TODAY. today i hung out with ian, and i when i left his house it was snowing, and it was my first snow of the year, because cape cod hasnt shared such things yet, and i havent seen it fall, and it was silly because 3 years ago, i was at his house the during the first snow, and i kissed a boy outside, and my hair was orangy pink and fading, and at the time i thought i was thin, but looking back my face was so much fuller than it is now, and when i smiled it was more goofy, young, and less chipped, strangely unimportant, and not so rare.

how these things fucking change.

and i want to scream. loud enough for everyone that has ever come in contact with me to hear.

so what i was 15 then. and look at me now. at 16 i was healthier than this, and at least then i had some intelligence, and say in what was to happen with me. i spent months fighting, and reminding. and nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww gone gone gone gone gone. and i know all these numbers and ages are fucking irelevant, but for someone reason they really arent at all, and i am so fucking jealous of something that i was so un aware of, but now. now it is killing me.

pushing it all a side. that is important you know.


and even at the most serious of times my heart that apparently beats one with my thoughts, they are consistantly overwhelmed, and owned by... DUN DUN Dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. yeah. i would say this is because i am immature, but its actually just because i am inlove. with. this math.



bah bah. there is so much more too, and it doesnt bother me so much that this will just be passed off as one of my "dramatic moments." because I dont exactly care what people are thinking, i just want a few of these things to pass through for a second in their existence, if it is ever near me again.


it's weird being THAT girl. I was always on the outside looking in. my goodness, how foolish i have become.


at least i know it isnt me.


it's not done. maybe.
From:xteamnealex
Date:December 7th, 2004 10:34 am (UTC)
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Wow..just wow!

AND by ian, do you mean Ian Mitchelle?!
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From:hellagoodstar
Date:December 7th, 2004 05:04 pm (UTC)
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hello. last weekend i met a boy from a band who was wearing team neale clothing. and he was the lead singer of silent drive.

HMMMM interesting!
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From:wizzo
Date:December 7th, 2004 05:49 pm (UTC)
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oh god Cailah is gonna flip, hahaha
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From:hellagoodstar
Date:December 7th, 2004 08:59 pm (UTC)
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hahaha well i totally conversed with him and he was cool.
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From:xteamnealex
Date:December 7th, 2004 07:16 pm (UTC)

ahahahahahahahahaha YOU ARE SOOO FUNNY!

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hmm interesting!!!! Dont start drama in Maura's journal specially if you dont know me, THANKS.
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From:hellagoodstar
Date:December 7th, 2004 09:02 pm (UTC)

Re: ahahahahahahahahaha YOU ARE SOOO FUNNY!

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hahhaha this is not drama, this is truth. he had blondish hair and a nose ring and he was tall and...and...i liked that band.
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From:xteamnealex
Date:December 8th, 2004 01:21 am (UTC)

Re: ahahahahahahahahaha YOU ARE SOOO FUNNY!

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WELL wizzo made it seem like you were starting something. Zack's hot.
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From:hellagoodstar
Date:December 8th, 2004 05:05 am (UTC)

Re: ahahahahahahahahaha YOU ARE SOOO FUNNY!

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hahaha no he just thought that you would think it was cool or something, right?
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From:infinityxcubed
Date:December 8th, 2004 12:07 am (UTC)

Re: ahahahahahahahahaha YOU ARE SOOO FUNNY!

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paranoid much?
haha jessica is like the last person ever to start drama.
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From:plummytucker
Date:December 7th, 2004 10:57 am (UTC)
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i'm sorry you don't have that confidence anymore, it was once so refreshing. i'm sorry that i'm selfish and scared and didn't tell you before, and i'm sorry the world is so gay.
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From:lilacsmack
Date:December 7th, 2004 05:43 pm (UTC)
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That sound! I am smiling so fucking warmly right now.

Writing. Yay.
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From:stawbryjacquiri
Date:December 7th, 2004 06:46 pm (UTC)
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I don't scroll you..
and reading that, dispite its sadness, almost made me smile just cuz I can think back to every hair color that you've had, and when you mention them I remember that specific time frame that you are talking about....crazy...
I wish there was something that I could do to warm your heart again, we should go visit the moon together..I dunno why...it would make me really happy, and I want it to make you happy too....
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From:_brandie
Date:December 7th, 2004 08:31 pm (UTC)
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my heart is yours, and so is my body, and my soul.
call me whenever you feel like writing.
or kissing.
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From:two_step_ahead
Date:December 8th, 2004 12:00 am (UTC)
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we're too alike and that will never change. even though we dont talk right now. but i think we should talk because really need to. yep thats what i think. ok... i dont know if youre living in worcester right now or not but if you are i hope we can get together and talk.
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From:ourboatscollide
Date:December 8th, 2004 02:19 am (UTC)

and my stairs made that noise

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i remember it. i remember when we'd be leaving and it would make that sound, and even though its not possible, i would always think the stairs would be like, tipping over. i don't even think that they are connected to your house. i miss going to your house and knocking on your door, not to sound creepy.
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From:streetlightlove
Date:December 8th, 2004 04:20 am (UTC)
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i don't think ill ever make sense.
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From:lilbrownheifer
Date:March 17th, 2009 06:58 pm (UTC)
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I wish I had paid more attention to this, Maura. I understand it so much.
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