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Jan. 24th, 2005 @ 10:36 pm miles.miles.away.
so much quieter, and so, so much more in control. stir crazy, of course, but quiet, quiet, quiet insanity, the kind in the scariest cheesiest movies when no one for miles could hear you scream. they are too busy to listen anyway. good!
it's weird how things happen the way they do. the other night, i spent all the money my father had given me for gas, and food, on books, and mouthwash. went to tatnuck, they didn't have the book i wanted, went to borders, and the book i wanted was just laying there, out of line with the other books, waiting for me. it was refreshingly perfect. i was mostly happy because i didn't spend my money on 1.mcdonald's, 2.alcohol, 3.gas to drive somewhere i would feel greatly uncomfortable being, or gas to drive to someone that would just end up making me feel shitty. (i suppose this goes for everyone. it's not you, it's me), driving to the cape never really takes a long time for me no matter how many cars i watch get towed out of a lake, it's okay to be in a rush to be lonely. maybe. or just in a rush in general. got "home". i've been lying to my parents for days about having a shovel. i really never was much of a liar before, if anything, i was far too brutally honest for my own breath, but, here i am, can't even tell the truth about a shovel. i took 2 tylenol pm, attempted to read, and slept through the night for the first time, eh, probably since, yeah i don't know, but it was a long time ago, before i knew half the people i know now. ugh. with such sweet sleep comes the attempt to function like a real live person for the remainder of the unbelieveably long day that has been reserved for fake sleep for way too long. fuck. really. fuck. so i folded. danced. drove. weighed myself. wondered. hated. tried to sleep. read. weighed myself. tried to sleep. read. read. read. (aye! thank ye shannon, i BOUGHT the book you recamended, and i love it. and i will more than likely quote it for the rest of my sadness, but i am selfish, and i dont want anyone else to read it, and relate to it. so as of now, it our's, and only our's.) wore socks. went through 2 pairs. embrace this empty laundry bin! i don't want to embrace being miserable. the "why me? why me?" fits don't even comb itself through my hair anymore, and i swear, i am not so much complaining, as i am wondering. i think. well, at least i know i would like to tell myself that, because i am mature now. it has been kept simple, with the "i am crazy", and always apologizing. but i don't really know what else to do. i am too lazy to use ink. too lazy. oooooh no. i need some sort of weather warmth. it's the best excuse so far. but there is still something i am running to. yeah. i don't know.

the blizzard type thing sounded more like a little league baseball game to me. i won't miss it though, i don't need to press down to be heard, or clap to be seen, so i guess thats good. 2 and 1/2 days with myself, alone. i had to crawl through a window to get out of my house. i loved it. that wasnt a complaint at all. I trudged through the snow, and brushed the snow away from the front of my door. i then spent another 27 hours in my house. hmm. but today! upset with myself because i ate a spoonful of peanut butter, i stacked 2 t-lite,1trimspa,2 stackers3, 1hydroxycut, 1 xantrax3, effexor, and a few gulps of crystal light to wash it all down. this probably explains why i throw up blood a lot. or maybe it doesnt. and with all this wicked not natural energy, my goodness, i knew today would be so very different. i dressed myself up quite warm, like the idiot eskimo i am, and i trudged (for the second time in 3 days!) through the snow, past my ice boxed car, down the street, yeah i had to trudge, they didnt fucking plow my street, and strutted myself up to rt. 28. the second my hood blows off my head, a bald russian offers me a ride. i take a ride to a random d'angelos. no reason. start to walk back. get picked up my two kids, one, i used to work with. "you smoke?", -"smoke?" (i love you 12 year old girl me, i love you)- "weeeed"- "oh, well, in situations such as these, YES."- inhale. coughing fit ensues. we drive around, the three of us. pulled into random parking lots, and the driver proceeded to speed up and quickly turn his wheel whipping the car around. over, and over again. then we drove to hyannis, despite the horrible road conditions, and he sped up constantly, into the other lanes, passing cars, blah blah blah. i was tingley and good. and scared, which made me feel weird because i definately would have wanted nothing more than to get in a car accident, because i was showered, and that matters. got dropped off. high as a kite. more trudging. took so long. got in my house. passed out. my parents came and saved me because they didnt want me trapped in the house any longer. i am in worcester now. i am a horrible person. my mom made me a sandwich i didn't eat, and my dad brought me a glass orange juice i never asked for. hmmm.
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From:sugartimes5
Date:January 25th, 2005 12:10 pm (UTC)
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i told you!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm glad you listened to me. i feel the same way about that book. isn't it sickly us.
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From:lilacsmack
Date:January 25th, 2005 06:27 pm (UTC)
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love that song.
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From:brazenovertures
Date:January 27th, 2005 09:38 pm (UTC)
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I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the world.
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From:avaladylady
Date:January 30th, 2005 01:36 pm (UTC)
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blah blah blah...add me
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